The Creator’s Curse: Fear of Wasting Time

When the drive to do something useful becomes pathological

Photo by Tristan Gassert on Unsplash

I’ve developed a problem over the last five years or so. Whenever I’m not doing something I deem “productive,” I worry that I’m wasting my time.

At first blush, it seems like a good thing to be conscious of the fact that there’s probably something better you could be doing a lot of the time. But this line of thinking can quickly slip into a pathology wherein you start to question your own worth if you try to take a moment to chill. It also gives rise to some weird ways of thinking about what “being productive” really means. I know because it’s happened to me.

I used to enjoy relaxing — playing video games, watching movies or television, bullshitting with friends over beers. Now, however, these activities give me anxiety. I’ve somehow convinced myself that “relaxing” is a waste of time, and I’m cognizant of the finite allotment of time I have to work with during my life.

This is where what I call The Creator’s Curse comes in. I’ve felt compelled to create something for pretty much all my life. When I was a child, I played music, drew, built things. With age came my affinity for words. Words have been front and center in my life for the last decade or so—I write them, edit them, and read them… a lot…